SoMelancholy

“I ain’t coming back”

Just like that. He was gone, and I was free.

That was the only time he stuck to his words because all his pleading and persuasions to win me back after all our toxic, hateful, and harmful arguments were all words and no actions. And the only thing that I ever wanted from him was sincerity.

I remember the feeling of despair and bitterness looming over me when I realized the truth. It consumed my heart and clouded my mind. I was restless. I was torn. Because I kept thinking,

“if he liked me, he’d show me. It shouldn’t be THAT hard. It’s really that simple.”

I remember he huffed and puffed and refused to prove anything that he liked me. Looking back, maybe he was scared or offended that I was taking away his masculinity by revealing his vulnerability.

Whatever the case was, don’t feel too sorry for me yet. Unlike him, I learned how to move on the healthy way.

If you were to ask me what I like about myself, I would say that I like to heal the healthy way. No booze, no cigarettes, no one-night stands, no short-term hookups/relationships, no meaningless flirtations, no drugs, no fighting, no anger.

No matter how much it pains me to fail, to hurt in silence, to lose someone who was never mine, I never fell so far below where there was no point of return. I always fall back up.

Why? It’s my heart saving me.

Deep down inside, my heart (yes, I do have a heart) is screaming out to me, telling me, reminding me who I really am down to my very, verrrryyy core.

“Look idiot, you know damn well you’re not like this! Cut it out!”

It works every time.

I like long walks by the lake, loud music, ice skating, long car rides with the bass boosted, coloring books, Spotify playlists to listen and cry to, music concerts, a movie date night with myself.

I self-improve and do all of that self-love, self-care kinds of stuffs. You know, the usual positive affirmation, get all in your feelings and thoughts kind of things to practice self-reflection and all that jazz, in case you’re not aware.

I never knew what all that self-stuffs was until I became a domestic violence shelter advocate years ago for a domestic abuse prevention organization and since then I’ve taken it seriously in my own journey of recovery.

So what happened to him then? In my opinion, he never came back because instead of healing the way like I did, he jumped into another relationship only a couple of months after we broke up. Regardless, I saved myself from further torment that could have destroyed my life. And that’s all that matters to me as I move on in my life without him.

Unlike him, my desperation in recovering did not lead me to find love in someone else nor did it create a false sense of reality in me believing that someone will come save me. I protected myself. I cherish the only life I will ever have, so I start healing from within.

I healed myself.

DISCLAIMER: All that is written is based on my own perspective and opinion.